My name is Angela and I’m a writer, athlete, artist, and dreamer.
I’m the eldest daughter in a Mexican American family in Southern California. I was the first in my family to graduate college with a degree (B.A. in English). I’ve played competitive soccer since I was 10 years old and even made it to professional tryouts in 2016 and 2017. I have worked various different jobs and have worn many hats throughout my life.
I’ve had vivid dreams since I could remember and suffered profound developmental trauma from horrific night terrors that started when I was 4 years old. I’ve struggled with symptoms of mental illness and trauma my entire life, which affected my ability to focus and perform at school, work, and soccer and deeply inhibited my ability to retain friends and relationships. Although my life looks good “on paper”, I still struggle to make ends meet because I have a hard time keeping jobs, friendships, relationships and homes. I am 38 years old and I’m unmarried and have no children and no career…yet.
Since the age of 18, I have been diagnosed with three separate mental conditions, one of which I was told there was no cure and that I would just have to learn how to live with the psychological turmoil.
When I was 32 years old, I decided to take my life into my own hands. I decided to find a way to heal myself mentally, regardless of what resources I had access to. I used every free source I could from library books, blogs, motivational social media profiles, YouTube videos, and just asking older customers at my work how they overcame hardships in their lives. I made the world my classroom and I listened to every story from anyone, regardless of how old they were, what their beliefs were, or if I thought they were a good person. I used my own discernment after gathering all the information I could as to what I put into practice; then I used basic trial and error from there.
I even started to use my dreams as a resource. I figured that if I couldn’t control the fact that I was going to have terrifying nightmares, that I might as well use them to train my psyche to endure extreme emotional and psychological distress in order to learn how to hold onto my faith in myself and ability to persevere. I developed a subconscious personality that started being able to make decisions in my dreams. Instead of running away, I started confronting and even challenging the demons in my nightmares. After a while, that fearlessness translated into my conscious personality, and I was able to start to face my fears in the real world.
I am currently five years into my healing journey. I have not had access to professional mental health resources since 2021 due to financial difficulties, so I’ve been on my own for about 4 years. I reject the idea of identifying with a diagnosis, which is why I no longer disclose them. I am 3 years symptom-free for the diagnosis I was told there was no cure for, and I do not take any medication.
I am writing this blog to document my journey and my methods for getting where I want to be. I am not a mental health professional. My posts are not professional advice, so please adhere to your medical professional’s advice if you have one. This is a story of how I chose to survive and thrive in spite of what I was born with, despite what happened to me, and despite what limitations others try to put onto me.
This blog is meant to be is inspiration for you to find a way to help yourself, to believe yourself and in yourself, and to find your power within.
The Neurotic Muse 